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Guest Stuge

By Guest Stuge,
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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having

difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local

schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had

been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.

Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a

W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet),

so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.

The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish

priest and together they decided that it must mean

"Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:

Dear Madame,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C.

just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of

pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on

Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation

if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no

doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their

lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there

is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C.

are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush

for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The

looks on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly,

and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you,

where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,

The Schoolmaster

Note:Anyone having nice, sweet & hilarious jokes please post them

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mercury_in_flames Newbie

mercury_in_flames

Posted
Posted (edited)

nice 'sweet and hilarious' err rite.... i know funny jokes but if this is a post that frowns upon rude jokes count me out.

well heres a joke i 'borrowed' from the headfi joke thread, loved it :ol_biggrin: :

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into

his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his

hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure eough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of

your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears

back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his

million bucks..

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million

ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven

yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a

million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of

hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch bic?"

Edited by mercury_in_flames
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mercury_in_flames Newbie

mercury_in_flames

Posted
Posted

:ol_biggrin:

Three guys were exploring a deserted island and suddenly came across a silly looking wooden bridge crossing a very narrow little river about six feet wide. There was a sign next to the bridge:

"Ask wisely, only one wish. Jump over this bridge, and while in the air say what you wish aloud, and once you land on the other side your wish will be immediately granted."

The guys looked at each other skeptically. One of them finally spoke "Oh what the heck! I'll try it"... He runs and jumps over the little bridge, and while airborne he shouts "A Ferrari", and lo and behold... he lands safely on the other side in the very seat of a Ferrari Marranello that just appeared right there from nowhere...

The other two guys couldn't believe their eyes. So the second guy immediately runs as fast as he can and jumps over the bridge screaming "$100 million dollars!!!", and he lands on the other side, and suddenly feels his backpack heavier, and when he opens it, full of $$$$$ !!!!

So the third guy, a cautious guy, started thinking very well what to wish... Sex with Pamela Anderson? Yes that's right! Sex with Pamela Anderson!!!... So he starts running with all his might and right at the edge of the bridge he makes his jump, and just after take off his hat falls off and he says "Oh ****!..."

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

EVERY NOW & Then there is some Special offers by some Company..So School Named "Walkman" Also Decided to Give there students a very Special offer.

SPECIAL OFFER-

Bring Chit In exam,Scratch and Show it to your nearest teacher & Win Free trip to Principals office & Enjoy Three(3) Year`s Vacation At Home :D:D .

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Damage Newbie

Damage

Posted
Posted

Oldie but goodie.

While visiting a small town for a ropes convention, three ropes walk into a local bar. Upon entering, the bartender points to a sign saying:

We do not serve Ropes.

The first rope, feeling that today is his lucky day, leaps to the bar and asks for a shot of whiskey on the rocks. The Bartender just points to the sign, and the first rope walks out defeated... or slinks out rather.

The second rope, having learned the art of fine conversation and what not, jumps to the bar and, like a fine english gentleman, asks for a gin and tonic. In perfect queen's english. The Bartender, who's now getting mighty pissed, points to the sign and says.

"I've got a very sharp pair of scissors, if you get my drift, old chum."

The third rope gets a brilliant idea while this is going on, and heads for the little rope's room. He ties himself into a square knot (heaven knows how), frays his top, and casually walks up to the bar.

To which, the bartender asks.

"Hey, you'a rope, dope?"

To which, the frayed rope replies:

"I'm a frayed knot."

thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the waitress and tip the veal.

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

A MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set

up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later,

the Engineer wakes his MBA friend.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute:

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of

planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in

Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a

quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is

all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a

beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" !

The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and

then speaks.

"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

Coca-Cola in arabia

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East

assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the

Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East , I

was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is

virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So ,I

planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally

exhausted and panting.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters! were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I

also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

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JSP62 Newbie

JSP62

Posted
Posted

TheMole Family

-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa molehis head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell

is....

Scroll down.......

Scroll down.......

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

I got this Joke in the mail today .

Do you have a girlfriend? :huh:

Ah, well.. can't blame you for that.

Anyway, if you are hopelessly lonely and busy studying, this is to brighten up your pathetic excuse of life:

Prove that GIRLFRIEND = EVIL mathematically! :lol:

Solution:

GIRLFRIEND = TIME (T) X MONEY (M)

Now, TIME = MONEY

>> GF = M^2

Also, MONEY is the root of all EVIL. :D

i.e. M = EVIL^1/2

>> GF = EVIL -(Hence Proved) :lol::):D

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

One day a lady kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Lady : I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

Lady : I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Lady: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

Lady: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

Lady: It said "Pull"

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital

swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the

bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's

heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be

discharged from the hospital because she now is

considered to be mentally stable. The director went to

Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad

news. The good news is that you're being discharged

because you responded so rationally to a crisis by

jumping in the pool to save the life of another

patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung

himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right

after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there

to dry. When can I go home?"

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

To: My Loving Wife....

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he

decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed

wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the

e-mail.

Meanwhile...

Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her

husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from

relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and

saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here

now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just

reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for

your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey

is as uneventful as mine was.

Regards,

Ur Loving Husband.

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Guest Stuge

Guest Stuge

Posted
Posted

Software Engineer writes to Tech Support

Subject : Upgrade from a girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the

new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space

and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the

product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other

programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all

other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and

Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever

selected.

I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my

other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance Drunk'n and Bachelor

Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the

un-install does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0

but got this error "General Protection Fault in module 'House Security'. The

uninstallation will abort."

Can you help me, please!!!

===========================

Reply from Tech. Support

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is

mostly

due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to

Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT

program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its

creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife

1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0

from the

system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0

is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or

Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given

to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife

1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I

might also suggest you read the entire section regarding "General

Partnership Faults(GPFs)".

The best course of action will be to enter the command "C:\APOLOGIZE". In

fact I would suggest you to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on

your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but needs very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve

the performance of Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install

'Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3'. This is not a supported application for

Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

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